I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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