Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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