Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
