Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
