All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
