Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
3 2 1 whiskey
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
