Your face is a jimmy john
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
