someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I need to sanitize my soul.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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