i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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