There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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