why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
