As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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