I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
