you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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