I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
