So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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