ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
