I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Randomize
