they need to just BURY HIM!
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
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