i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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