win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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