Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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