Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
MIDGETS
????
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
