4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
