Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
