I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
All the doctor said was why
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize