well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
And the cops told us we were all naked.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
