my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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