He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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