The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
