threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
