News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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