OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize