is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
