theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
