I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
