just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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