Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
