So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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