just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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