May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
