We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
