I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
