He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
