No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
