Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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