I must be too annoying 4 u.
My liver just broke up with me...
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
