That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I think my vagina is haunted
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
