If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Vodka?
Forever.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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