i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
