watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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