Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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