did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
