I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize