Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
