We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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