oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
