who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
